So yesterday I found out that my father is getting deported. Fucking sucks. I go back to my old demons and I deal with it by drinking alcohol and smoking weed. I didn’t want to think about my dad, my mom, or my brothers. I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to be numb. He’s been gone for almost 5 years. He’s missed so much and the fact that he can’t come home kills me. It broke my heart when I went to see him yesterday and he started to bawl and apologize over and over again. Then having to comfort my mother as she’s trying to drive me back to my apartment and forcing her to eat. It was just a domino effect of uneasy feelings. It’s not fair. I want my dad home. I’m afraid for him when he goes back to Jamaica. I know people will be looking for him. I fear for his life.
I admit that I have “daddy issues” with not having my biological sperm donor around then having my step-dad getting arrested while I was still in high school. I felt that I needed to have some form of male attention, that would explain my promiscuity. Maybe not. Maybe I’ve just always been taken advantage of by the male population. I do think that if my dad was around things would be a lot different. My view on men would probably be different, but then again, his relationship with my mother was going downhill anyways. It sucks when I hear about girls that have close relationship with their dads and how they can’t wait to see them or shop with them. Anything. The most recent memory I have of him is talking to him on a phone looking at him through a glass. Nothing personal about it whatsoever. I can’t even give him a hug goodbye. He’s already missed so much and he’s going to miss even more…
Needless to say, I can’t break down because I have to stay strong for my mom, my sister, and my brothers. I’m used to this. Being strong for everyone. It takes a lot out of me. So that’s where the heavy drinking and smoking comes in. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to think about it at all. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I know I need to keep a happy face on though. I have to for my mom. I have to for my dad. I have to for my brothers and my sister.
They need me to be the back bone.
They need me to be strong.
On may 21’st 2011 “Judgement day” i will be in my room like.
On May 22nd 2011 i will be in my room like.
On October 21”when the universe is supposed to get gobbled up by fired”… ill be in my room like.
On October 22 2011 ill be in my room like
On december 21’st 2012 “End of time” Ill still be in my room like..
On december 22 2012 i will still be in my mutha Fuc*** room..
So Just STFU and stop making stories sit down take a break from your DRY ASS LIES!
- Goodmorning: One message saying goodmorning will help me throughout the whole day. Knowing that you thought of me when you woke up and wanted to make me smile makes me happy.
- Goodnight: A goodnight message gives me a reason to go to sleep smiling. I love the fact knowing I’m on your mind at night time before you fall asleep. It feels great to know they think about you before bed.
It’s so weird how everything becomes different once you’re in a relationship. Everyone wants to hit you up or profess their feelings for you. I don’t get it. I’m extremely happy in what I’m in. Sorry ladies and gents.